Townies Part 1: Butch

Here's a great story. So last year, my buddies Dave and Drew (my current housemates), lived at 55 Clayton. It was a great place to chill on the weekends: so close to everything, plus they always set up a beer pong table, and tourneys lasted sometimes all night long. They lived on the first floor with a frat boy Blake, second floor there were also three college guys, however, on the third floor was a single apartment. A one-armed, 45 year old townie named Butch lived there by himself. Now, I was quick to judge such a specimen of creation at first, but he liked to talk (I'm assuming he was pretty lonely), so we always gave him the time of day. However, as the year progressed, he got sketchier and sketchier. On many occasions, Cortland's finest (also known as po po's) would arrive at the apartment looking for this Butch character for a variety of reasons. Butch would often tell us that he was broke and that he was going to have to move out, much to our joy, however he never did. It got to the point where, and this was our fault for being such nice fellas, that he would walk into the apartment on a Friday or Saturday night when we were all partying and sit down with his Zima 24 ouncer and a random ass cigarette and join the festivities. Now, picture this scene: a bunch of college kids, hanging out, playing beer pong, smoking some cigs, watchin some television, and out of nowhere a scraggly old guy with a beard and reeking of piss or some other foreign smell and only one arm strolls in drunk and decides hey, they look like they're having fun, I'm gonna join. Well I can assure you that party sure hit the shitter. People randomly snuck out the back door, hid in bedrooms, and some even gorged their eyes out (that didnt really happen, just trying to spice things up). It always came down to one or two of us who got screwed bc we didnt leave when everyone else did, so we had to sit and talk to him for a few mins, make him feel wanted, cus we're idiots.

Well, you might be thinking, well that kinda sucks, and its kinda funny, but it gets better. Cortaca weekend, mad people up for the festivities, beer galore at my buddies place. Well, as evening starts in, we all have our beer faces on (we'd prolly been drinking for a good 8 hours). None other then Butch, the one-armed townie living upstairs, strolls in again, uninvited. Now most of us were pretty used to this and were getting pretty annoyed; but for others who were up for the weekend, well we decided what the hell, welcome to Cortland. Dave starts to talk to Butch, see whats up, meanwhile his sister and girlfriend run for cover and lock themselves in his room. Whatcha guys doin, asks Butch. Playing a little beer pong, responds Dave. Let me give it try, butch says. O man, this is going to be good. Butch, a completely unseasoned beer pong player, rockets the ball at the rack, nearly knocking the entire pyramid over. Whoa there slugger, easy on the turbo. Shot number two, same result. Alright, your done says Dave. But Butch insists that he wants to hang around and starts to tell Dave and I this wonderful heart-warming story. So Butch apparently used to live on a farm somewhere (prolly in his head), and he started telling us that he liked to ride horses and drive motorcycles. Whoa whoa whoa...motorcycles? How so, me and Dave are thinking simultaneously. Before we can answer, Butch does for us. "Your probably wondering how I drive a motorcycle with only one-arm" (when I say one arm, its actually like half an arm, from the elbow up). Umm, ya is Dave's response. "Well let me show ya. First, when I have to pull in the clutch (which is on the left handle bar if you didnt know, obvi the arm he doesnt have), I quickly grab it from underneath (motioning with his stub), and pull back quickly to engage the clutch (bending his stub at the elbow to make a "pulling in" motion), and then let go to put 'er gear." I nearly pissed myself. Actually, I think I did. I can't remember. It's not important.

Needless to say, that was the last time I saw Butch. He was forced to move out by landlord Ed, who is our current landlord right now, so you can imagine why this is going to be a four, five, maybe even six part series. Currently, we have townies living downstairs of us. How many you may ask? I have no freaking idea. Sometimes there are only one or two people down there, sometimes there are 15 or so, with little kids running around, like a little townie convention. God Ed, I hate you. But these stories will be coming soon to a blog near you, so check it out son.

new and exciting topic

I am planning on a three, maybe four part series about the locals in Cortland, known to many as "townies". I have had many encounters with these people, and I am very excited to write it, so keep on the look out within the next day or so.

my bad

I just realized that the last two blog entries were mad long. i assure you that they are worth reading if you are a Yankee or a Cowboy fan. If not, read it bc its funny, bc I said so. PEACE, in the Middle East? Prolly never.

How bout them Yankees

Well, it's now October, and what do we have in store for all the baseball fans: the freakin Yankees of New York are in the freakin playoffs for the 11th straight season. Congrats boys, you worked super hard for this one. I will say I am a little upset that we didn't win the pennant (screw you Boston), but to even make the playoffs after everyone counted us out in the beginning of the season, after coming from almost 15 games back to 1 game back from division leading Boston, is a miracle in itself. I don't know who to give credit to: Joe Torre, who I love to death and hope that George keeps him in New York until he retires; A-Rod who for some reason decided hey, I'm going to hit a lot of home runs and lead this team all by myself; or C, the goddam Yankees were just tooling with our emotions and secretly at a team meeting, decided alright, I guess we should start playing baseball, cus thats what we get payed to do. Alright, Jorge, hit .340, Robbie, set some personal season records for home runs and RBI's, A-Rod, hit a bunch of walk-off homers, the crowd loves that shit, and Jeter, well, just stay sexy, and hit .320 while your at it. God I love Derek Jeter. If I had a dollar for everytime I've ever said that, I'd prolly have 100 dollars, give or take a few. God I love him. That's 101 dollars. He is by far the best role model for people to look up to. I mean, this guy came out of Kalamazoo Michigan. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard the word Kalamazoo, I'd have maybe three dollars. Point is, I love Derek Jeter. He is my all-time favorite athlete, and I wish I could have his babies. But apparently Jeter likes the females, so I think I'm SOL. Either way, the Yankees are simply amazing, and I have a great feeling about this postseason. I must say that I am not worried about Boston at all. Once again, we took the season series, even sweeping them again at Fenway. I just pray that A-Rod can continue his nasty year into the playoffs for once as a Yankee. I am however scared of the Angels. Anahiem has once again got the better of us during the season, and I hope that a repeat of a few seasons ago where they beat us in the playoffs doesnt happen again. I would love to see Boston knock them out first, bc I know we can take Boston. I hate Boston, and they must lose. After they are taken care of, I don't believe that theres a team in the NL that can take the Yankees.
Speaking of the NL, what the hell happened to the Mets? One day, they were alone atop their division, the next their fighting to keep a slim lead. And where exactly did the Phillies come from? I have no idea. Out of nowhere is the correct answer. Man, if I had a dollar for everytime I wanted the Mets to lose bc my roommate is a Mets fan and he always rips on my beloved Yankees, I'd have prolly about 62, maybe 63 dollars. And you know what, if I added up all those times where I could have gotten money for things I said, I'd have like 177, or maybe even 178 dollars, and God knows how piss broke I am right now. Man I wish I had some money. I can't even afford to put any gas in my truck. It's been on E for a week now. I hate college and all of its expenses. Damn you college. And damn you Boston, your number is up. Game over, lights out, shows over, Yankees win, the Yankeeeeeessssss winnnnnnnnnn. This is willy wonka, saying peace out homies.

Why the Tony Romo is the man

Tony Romo is my new hero, right behind that of Derek Jeter. After a dissappointing end of the season on a botched snap in the playoffs last year, Romo and the 'Boys are 4-0 for the first time since 1995, the same year they won their last Super Bowl. This is exciting for Dallas fans because we have waited a long freakin time for this. Quincy Carter sucked, Vinny Testaverde sucked, and Drew Bledsoe was garbage as well. Side note, I saw Drew Bledsoe randomly out west in Wyoming while I was with my family in Grand Tetons National Park (like Yellowstone). He came into a tiny little roadside restaurant were we were eating, then eventually took off 5 mins later when everyone realized he was there. I tried to get an autograph or a picture with him, but he blew me off. That was when he was with Buffalo; imagine what I felt like when he came to my 'Boys: what the hell are you doing on my team and why don't I have your autograph. So naturally, I held a grudge and luckily he sucked so I didn't have to change my opinion about him. So anyway, Romo is leading the 'Boys every game because of the lack of the running game. Julius Jones isn't rushing for more than 50 yards a game, however the team is fortunately to have the likes of Marion Barber to back JJ up. Romo has the second highest quarterback rating in the league at 112.9, second only to Tom Brady, who I hope breaks his ankle tonight against the Bengals cus I hate teams from Massachusetts (get ready Bosox, the Bronx Bombers are coming). But, to think that a quarterback who hasn't even played an entire season yet has a better QB rating then the likes of Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer is pretty intense. I mean, last season, when Bledsoe was sucking royally, the fans at Texas stadium were chanting for Parcells to bring in Romo. Who the hell is that, I thought. I've barely ever heard of him, and to bring him in midway through a season without any prior NFL experience seemed like a ballsy move to me. However, I was stunned by what I saw in that guy. And he's a cutie too. I mean, can you say Carrie Underwood? Gorgeous bombshell. But his play on the field is what is grabbing the sports world's attention. Also, there is def chemistry between Romo and TO. I hated TO when he played for the 49er's, I hated when he played for the Eagles, but now I love him. I couldn't believe that of all people, Jerry Jones would sign him. I knew that if there was one coach that would have been able to handle such a self-centered cocky mouth of a player, it would be Parcells. I mean, that fat guy is damn intiminating. He scares me; if I met him, I don't know if he would scream at me until I went deaf, or just club me over the head with his clip board, drag me home, and throw me in a pot full of boiling water, maybe add a little bit of spices, preferably some of that Emeril's cajun stuff, delicious, and serve me up with a little apple in my mouth for decor. Scary thought I know. But I got to hand it to him, he took a really shitty team and because of him, Dallas is now a powerhouse. I will go so far as to say that Dallas is without a doubt the best team in the NFC, which historically the last few years isn't saying much, however I feel that this is the best NFC team to emerge as of late. Let me leave you with this ladies and gentlemen: week 6, Sunday October 14th, 4:30 pm, New England Patriots at the Dallas Cowboys. I have a feeling that this may be your exclusive behind the scenes preview to the Super Bowl this year. Although I think it will be a close game, and I happen to be a little partial about my team, don't be suprised if Romo and the 'Boys hand Brady his first loss of the season, just as Romo did last season against the then undefeated Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts. I had a feeling that the 'Boys were gonna beat Indy, and I have that feeling now. So, in my eyes, it may be possible, if Romo and the 'Boys keep playing the way they have been, with the offense clicking better and better each game, and the defense giving up less and less points a game, that my, and maybe your, 2007 Dallas Cowboys could be Super Bowl 40 whatever Champions. I might cry a little, but not much, just enough.